I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
