Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
