Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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