just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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