Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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