I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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