thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
