I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
