my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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