I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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