so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
