My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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