i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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