So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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