just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
this boner is exhausting
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
