I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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