This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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