im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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