i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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