Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
