I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
