Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
