I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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