Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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