I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize