i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
