I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I pour the whiskey from now on
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
