mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
