3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
