There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
