Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
