I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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