o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
