I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
