The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
