As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize