I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
