I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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