you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize