I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
