just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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