non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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