I hope mine doesn't look like that
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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