remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
