I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
