You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
