Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
