i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
