ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
