Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize