I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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