what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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