I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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