Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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