just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We had to coat check the pizza.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
