WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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