Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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