listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize